I've spent a lot of time lately thinking about envy. I tend to have a lot of it. I envy thin people, I envy (natural) redheads. I envy wealthy people. It's been a way of life for me so long. I guess because I'm natually very competitive? I never thought about myself that way until Noel pointed it out - I'll compete over anything! Therefore if someone else has something that I perceive as better, I get really frustrated and envious about it.
The funny thing about it is, it's such a wasted emotion. I spend a lot of time reading blogs, books, etc. and looking at other people's (public!) lives and thinking: wow. If only I could live like that. If only I could decorate my house in really bright fabrics (www.annamariahorner.com) or if only I could have a business designing knitwear (www.glampyre.com) or if only I could be some world-traveling bon vivant who lives life the way she wants, and appreciates what she has. And is Put Together.
Does anyone else have this hangup about being Put Together? When asked to define it, I can't. It's a mish-mash (in my mind) of living creatively, having a clean and well-decorated home, a healthy and open relationship, a pet (or 2), a worthwhile job that's fulfilling, and a general sense of satisfaction with life as it is, TODAY. Not wishing for the future, not waiting for someday, not constantly What If-ing life. I look at some of my friends and think they're so Put Together. And then am surprised when someone else tells me that they think *I* am Put Together, because I guess it's all a matter of perspective, isn't it?
One self-helpy thing that I do want to work on, however, is a sense of appreciation for the moment. Not constantly living for the future, because (1) the future isn't guaranteed, and also (2) the future never comes. If I live life looking forward and not at where I am, I'm going to miss all the wonderful things happening to me now. And I do appreciate them, I guess it's more that I look for changes in myself to be satisfied with who I am. In the future I'll be in a job I actually enjoy, I'll be thinner, I'll be wearing clothes like I want (www.anthropologie.com and www.alabamachanin.com) and won't life be grand? I'll be who I want to be.
But here's the thing: I won't get there if I don't actually take steps TODAY to be that person. I want to wear fun colorful clothes? Then why not wear them TODAY? I want to be thinner? I need to lay off the potato chips TODAY. What a concept. Sometimes it's hard to wrap your brain around though.
Speaking of clothes though, I've been working on a dress made up of the leftovers from Noel's kilt. I'm thinking I might have an idea for the dress - I have it put together but it's a bit boring right now. We'll see.....
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So, as you define it, my life is Put Together. HOWEVER! I NEVER feel Put Together. Furthermore, despite my absolute best efforts something is always going wrong with my presentation of myself: I stain my shirt, break a zipper, pop a button, am never dressed EXACTLY appropreiately for the occasion, have flyaway hair...the list goes on. And, yes, I absolutely obsess about it. And it's a complete waste of time. - Cat
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